STEWART'S STORY

I grew up in the church-going 70's. In a very Pentecostal family. Our churches do's and don'ts were really all don'ts. So strict was the church that we didn't even have a television, girls could not wear pants and had to wear their hair up all the time. As the 80's set in, I started high school. I'd always known that something was different about me. My upbringing forced me to ignore myself and live only for others. Also in 1980, I nearly lost my mother to a rare illness. This only served to push me more into the church. At school, I was an outcast. It was always rumored that I was gay but the blame always went to the church. I didn't do what other kids were doing because of my faith.

I found a friend at church. We hit it off right away and spent as much time together as we could. We were always the good kids. Always did what we were told. We even double-dated a few times. Although I think we were really dating each other. After high school, I went to college and he went into the army. I found that I missed him more than I could ever believe while he was at basic training. While he was away, his parents announced that they were divorcing ( A huge DON'T in the church). And next thing I knew, although he had not completed his training, he was home again. He never told me why he was kicked out. I know that 2 days later, he and his girlfriend were split up. I was working late that night at my part-time job. He called me at work and wanted to talk right then. I told him that I was not allowed to talk on the phone at work and I would come over when I got off at 11pm. I never talked to him again. He was found dead in his pick-up truck with his brains splattered on the back window.

I had suspected for years that he too was gay. The tragic way that his life ended, only made me believe even more that being gay was wrong. I once again found refuge in the church. I finished school and dove into my career. I figured that if I could not be with a man, I would give my life to helping others and my career. Eventually, I even started dating a girl. After asking her to marry me, I began to realise what I had done. I was able to break things off before it was too late.
A few years later, my high-tech career gave way to new technology and I found myself out of work and alone. This time when I turned to the church, I was called out. Basically told that it was my own doing that things were not working out for me. That my impure thoughts were what had made me loose everything. For the first time, I was turned away from the church.
I went to the park and was sitting on a grassy hill. Out of nowhere, this little kid shows up and asked me if I was OK. He told me that everything was going to get better and that he would prove it. He asked if I would like him to find me a four leaf clover. To humor the kid , I said yes. After about 10 minutes of searching, he looked at me and said " Here you go, now everything will change" I'll be damned if he didn't place a fresh picked four leaf clover in my hand. He then smiled and left. I have no idea where he went to or who he was with.

The Internet was new then and I, being from a high-tech background actually had access. I answered an ad from what sounded like a nice guy from a near-by town. We emailed each other for 2 months. I saved every email. I cross checked everything that he said to make sure he was being honest with me. Then one day in early February of 1999, I went to meet this Internet stranger. Strange he was. I was fascinated with him. We were about the same age and both had never dated guys before. We quickly became best of friends and started doing everything together. Then in June of 2005 we invited two of our best friends to accompany us to Toronto to witness our wedding. It was pride week, so we invited a million or so people to the reception. And everyone came. We had a parade and everything.

It was a very long road to get here. I had to come out to my parents and siblings. I lost a very good friend and learned a lot about the church and Christianity. And how the two don't always go hand in hand. In the end, all but one of my sisters accepts that I am gay. My parents love my husband as much as I do. I could not imagine my life without him or all of them. I wish that I had the courage to come out at a younger age. But, then I would not have experienced everything that I have. I hold no grudges. I only hope that young teens can find the courage to live their lives for themselves. You'll never be happy as long as you are denying yourself of who you are.
I hope that my story helps.
--
Stew

I hope that these help someone.

JACK'S STORY

It only takes one idea, one second in time, one friend, one dream, one leap of faith, to change everything, forever. Just one! Yet eternity lies in the palm of your hand.

It has taken me a long time to put this entry together. Every time I get started I think of the huge portion of my life spent hiding and denying who I really am. I become horribly emotional and drained of my ability to continue. I can assure you, I will go through an enormous amount of Kleenex before I finish this article.

Born a Baby Boomer/War Baby and raised in a VERY conservative neighborhood, I knew at an early age I liked boys. I also knew that to express that desire would earn me a beating from either my family, my friends, or schoolmates. Added to that would be years of humiliation, insults, and being ostracized..

I kept my orientation "on the down low" for many, many years. I played the straight role - joining the U.S. Navy and eventually the Army, getting married, having kids. My sexuality eventually destroyed my marriage (ironically, I got custody of the kids).

In the military I was able to do my job and do it very well for over 24 years as evidenced by many awards, decorations, and commendations. However, I could not share my "real" life with my fellow sailors and soldiers. More than once I was sure someone was about to blow my cover (no pun intended) and I would have lost everything: my job, insurance, pension, and whatever self-respect I had managed to hold on to. My family will tell you there was a huge weight lifted from my shoulders and spirit once I retired.

My two sons were aware their Dad was gay years ago, it simply, and amazingly, made no difference to them. Shortly after my retirement at age 53, I decided I had had enough masquerading. The first phone call was to my younger brother and his wife who live on the other side of the country. Knowing it would likely be the last time we ever talked, I was in tears as I made "the big announcement." My wonderful brother and his lovely, lovely wife just laughed and asked, "who finally told you?" They, like almost everyone else I came out to, had known for years and didn’t give a damn - I was still me, the screwy brother, dad, uncle, and friend that I was before the revelation. When I asked why no one said anything, the common answer: "It wasn’t our place to out you."

I know many people are scared to death to crawl out of that damned closet. I urge you to talk to someone you trust, contact a local gay support group (google, google, google), and at least consider freeing yourself from the confines placed on you by others. In the Detroit area, it is Affirmations (248 398 7105). They should be able to help you find a similar organization in your area.

I simply can not imagine my life without my GLBT family. There are those who came into my life when I was so sure I would never feel "normal" - one of them encouraged me to contribute this entry to Ugly Duckling and I will be forever grateful to him. There are those at Affirmations who continually reinforce my feelings of self worth - especially following the breakup of a seven year relationship last fall. Will I ever find a partner? Who knows, who cares - I am happy, I have a wonderful family, and I am - at long last - enjoying my life.

Jack.