My Life in the Shadows

My name is Len. To start let me give a brief summary of my life. Brief I say because to explain it all would take a lifetime! Our family emigrated from England to Australia when I was 10. At the time of writing this I am 49 years old and not to far of my 50th. So why is this old fart writing on a blog about being gay & coming out (or not). I have my suspicions as to the circumstances around why we emigrated but I have never been able to substantiate my suspicions. We and by we I mean my older brother and sister and younger sister, mum and dad. I went to the typical Australian school and tried to get involved in as many sports as I could but never found anyone particular sport that I was really good at accept for running. Growing up as a normal (well what I thought was normal) boy and spent some time in change rooms and yes I did find myself taking the sneak peek at the other guys as we got showered and changed and I am sure there were other guys that did the same. There were even guys fooling around in the change rooms, what I took as normal banter about body builds size of arses and other various body parts. I started to take more notice of guys but I put this down to curiosity. I left school at a very young age and not long after my mum & dad got divorced and I eventually joined the Army. There were no secrets to hide there as the showers were communal and every one could openly see everyone else (just like back at school) I was not ashamed and I would stand around naked as would any of the other army guys. I had my suspicions about my sexuality back then and at various times throughout my army life I had it tested to some degree but always ended up believing that I was just a normal guy and anything that I experienced was just one of those speed bumps in life. Yes I had girlfriends but they never lasted. I realised that of the girls that I did go out with all had brothers and I would spend more time out with her brothers than I did her. The pubs the clubs and all that were fun and the boy’s nights out were also good. The topics of discussion was religion, girls that we had sex with and were they any good and how many girls have we had etc . I found that the only way to join in was to lie, that was the beginning of the lie and to this date continues. I had a few male on male encounters while I was in the Army and at one time I was going out with a girl that I thought was right for me and that I for the first time new that I was “Normal” . Only to reflect upon our relationship (after we broke up) that I analysed what it was that I saw in this girl that I thought I would marry. It turned out that she was a tom boy. She wore jeans and ‘T’ shirts most the time. Never saw her in a dress, but there were plenty of guys that wanted to see her out of one mind you. So for her tom boyish style was all that I really saw in her. Again I questioned my sexuality. I got married and we even had some good 3somes (MFM) and even then it was with male friends of mine. I even found that I enjoyed watching the other guys and their arsenal of weaponry. I now thought that I was what I now know as Bisexual because I liked girls and guys. So I believed that I was Bi and I entertained this idea for some time but I was never certain. Yes we had kids and lived a normal life as a family would. Our sex life was average to say the least. I loved going away with the family and this was usually to a beach somewhere. I would find myself checking out the guys on the beach and in the water or those that were getting out. I would walk along the beach and look at the guys lying on their backs and I would try and sneak a peek down their stomaches to see if I could get a glimpse of whatever they were hiding in their swimmers. At this point in a ‘Normal’ guys life he would be checking out the girls in bikini’s etc but not me. I was confused about my sexuality right from the age of 17 through to now at the age of 49 (just about to turn 50) I have lived my life unhappy that I was hiding something from everyone and I hated myself for it. A few months back and all this stuff was making me get upset more than usual, I found that I was considerably emotional, I would cry at the drop of a hat, cry at hearing an old song that brought back memories of an earlier time of my life or even just a good romantic movie. I had to find out why this was; I went to a doctor and short of telling me that I needed to go see a shrink. I thought stuff that I would sort it out myself. I took a few days (weeks actually) to take some ‘Me’ time and walked along several beaches, day and at night and resolved to find the answers and make a decision and live with whatever the decision was. Now at my stage of life I have a lot more to lose than I have to gain out of coming out and announcing to the world that I am Gay and not as I first thought Bisexual. Some people would say that you are gay from the day you are born and that you don’t turn gay. This I found to be the case only I refused to acknowledge it. I went from being what I thought was straight to being Bi to finally admitting to myself that I am gay and always have been but due to reasons that only I can live with do not wish to come out. Coming out would certainly alienate me from the rest of the family and I know this as fact as I have discussed hypothetical situations with family members and I am sure that I would not get the support that one would need to get through it or to live as I am now only happier that the weight is of my shoulders somewhat. Certain members of my family are homophobic. I have been asked what I would do if my son was to tell me he was gay and my response has always been the same “I’d still love and support him” he is after all still the same person. Others in my family would not be so understanding. I made a decision a few weeks back that I would admit to myself that I was gay and always have been and that I would not come out. Why am I gay when I am married with two great kids, is the marriage a scam or a cover, No, did/do I love my wife? Yes. Then what makes me gay simple I like guys, women do nothing for me their body shape size of their boobs etc mean nothing to me whereas I see a guy who is well defined, looks after himself, wearing their shorts/trousers off the hip showing just a hint (or a lot) of underwear interesting and sometimes with lust. Guys at the beach in boardies or Speedos I find an attractive look. At my age I look but can’t touch. It is only now that I wish I had been true to myself back when I was 17 and admitted to the world that I am gay. My advice to any young man that is questioning their sexuality is to make their decision early and be true to them. Don’t live a life in denial. Live your life happy and not having to justify yourself many years later. Why should guys that are gay have to justify their sexuality? Straight guys don’t have to justify why they are straight. I am happy to tell others what it is that is holding me back from coming out if they wish to know or if it is going to help them in any way. younglennard.blogspot.com

Rudolph's Story

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer

History of Rudolph story (TRUE STORY) A man named Bob May, depressed and brokenhearted, stared out his drafty apartment window into the chilling December night. His 4-year-old daughter Barbara sat on his lap quietly sobbing. Bob's wife, Evelyn, was dying of cancer. Little Barbara couldn't understand why her mommy could never come home. Barbara looked up into her dad's eyes and asked, "Why isn't Mommy just like everybody else's Mommy?" Bob's jaw tightened and his eyes welled with tears. Her question brought waves of grief, but also of anger. It had been the story of Bob's life. Life always had to be different for Bob. Small when he was a kid, Bob was often bullied by other boys. He was too little at the time to compete in sports. He was often called names he'd rather not remember. From childhood, Bob was different and never seemed to fit in. Bob did complete college, married his loving wife and was grateful to get his job as a copywriter at Montgomery Ward during the Great Depression. Then he was blessed with his little girl. But it was all short-lived. Evelyn's bout with cancer stripped them of all their savings and now Bob and his daughter were forced to live in a two-room apartment in the Chicago slums. Evelyn died just days before Christmas in 1938. Bob struggled to give hope to his child, for whom he couldn't even afford to buy a Christmas gift. But if he couldn't buy a gift, he was determined a make one - a storybook! Bob had created an animal character in his own mind and told the animal's story to little Barbara to give her comfort and hope. Again and again Bob told the story, embellishing it more with each telling. Who was the character? What was the story all about? The story Bob May created was his own autobiography in fable form. The character he created was a misfit outcast like he was. The name of the character? A little reindeer named Rudolph, with a big shiny nose. Bob finished the book just in time to give it to his little girl onChristmas Day. But the story doesn't end there. The general manager of Montgomery Ward caught wind of the little storybook and offered Bob May a nominal fee to purchase the rights to print the book. Wards went on to print,Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer and distribute it to children visiting Santa Claus in their stores. By 1946 Wards had printed and distributed more than six million copies of Rudolph. That same year, a major publisher wanted to purchase the rights from Wards to print an updated version of the book. In an unprecedented gesture of kindness, the CEO of Wards returned all rights back to Bob May. The book became a best seller. Many toy and marketing deals followed and Bob May, now remarried with a growing family, became wealthy from the story he created to comfort his grieving daughter. But the story doesn't end there either. Bob's brother-in-law, Johnny Marks, made a song adaptation to Rudolph. Though the song was turned down by such popular vocalists as Bing Crosby and Dinah Shore, it was recorded by the singing cowboy, Gene Autry. "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" was released in 1949 and became a phenomenal success, selling more records than any other Christmas song, with the exception of "White Christmas." The gift of love that Bob May created for his daughter so long ago kept on returning back to bless him again and again. And Bob May learned the lesson, just like his dear friend Rudolph, that being different isn't so bad. In fact, being different can be a blessing. 3

GAY BOY ON CAPE COD . . . Part TWO

GAY BOY ON CAPE COD . . . Part TWO

When I was 15 years old I had my first gay sexual experience. I had been dealing with my queer feelings and desires. I had a couple close friends and we talked together about our feelings and searchings, our sexual development, and all the usual stuff kids talk about and experiment with.

In high school I was a good student, involved in various activities and intra-mural sports and also on the school track team. I was a runner and participated in marathons. My running partner was a senior, two years older than I. We got along well socially and I felt attracted to him emotionally and physically and we enjoyed hanging out together.

One fall afternoon we were late returning to school. There was no one in the locker room or showers. We started undressing and he began some friendly contact, nothing out of the ordinary. In the shower room we continued our banter and faux-boxing. It was obvious we both liked what we were feeling. I am sure things would have gone further but we heard a locker slam so we hurried and dried off and got dressed and left.

He drove me home and on the way turned off the road into a wooded area we call "The Enchanted Forest". . . .and without resistance he unzipped my jeans, slid them down. . . and we engaed in homosexual activity. The rest of the year was quite an "education" and I am a quick and curious learner.

My reaction to this? I liked it; felt mostly comfortable with what we were doing.
Sex felt normal to me and I didn't have moral guilt about it. I am Catholic and with my parents I had talked about the position of the Church on sexuality in general. And I felt comfortable with myself and a lot of my feelings.

One evening my parents and I were alone, as most of the time we were. My brother is married and has two sons. My sister also is married and they have a son and a daughter. We are a close-knit family and we all come "home for the holidays" - religious, civil. This was an evening for family chat.. . Mom, Dad and me.

I was a tad nervous but not afraid, I had decided it was time to tell them they had a gay son. So I just simply told them I had been doing a lot of thinking about my feelings, my beliefs and what I wanted to do in college and in life. Then I just said "Oh and I want you to know I am gay. I am emotionally attracted to other guys. . "

Very gently Mom said "We know, honey, we know. Your father and I have felt you were and were wondering when you would be ready to tell us. . . ." We talked for a long time that evening and it was good. It was very good.

My parents have been and are very understanding and supportive of their gay son. I am indeed fortunate and blessed with my parents and their intelligent, loving and supportive attitudes.

My friends are always welcome in our home and treated as one of the family. When one of my friends stays overnight it is never a big deal or something to arouse suspicion or disapproval. One of the commentors on my blog has told me
I have been spoiled. . . gifted in so many ways, with great opportunities and privilege.

Personally I do not feel conflicted being gay and Catholic. My way of expressing this is quite simple: I believe and have been taught that we are created in the image and likeness of God. . . .and all God created is good and sacred. I also have been taught by my Church that in my Baptism I was identified with Jesus Christ.
We talk a great deal about identity. . . .well identify comes from two Latin words: idem (the same) + facere (to make). . .so in Baptism we are made the same as Christ. . . we share in divine life. This happens to all baptized. . straight or gay.
This is not an emotional trip; it is an intellectual statement of the Church's theology of Baptism. This isn't my concocted justification for being gay; it is theological fact. . . .which too many church people totally overlook.

God doesn't make mistakes. Our human sexuality and sexual orientation is part and parcel of who we are.

What follows is my own reflection and accommodated interpretation of the creation of Adam and Eve in the Book of Genesis.

++++ And God looked at all He created and saw that it was very good. God looked at the Man he had made and reflected. . "It is not good for the Man to be alone. . .therefore I shall create for him a helpmate like unto himself." . . .So male and female He created them, straight and gay He created them. . .And God saw all He had created was very good and God rested from all the work He had done.

As a gay boy created by God a "helpmate like unto myself" would need to be gay also. Since being gay is part of who I am, then being gay is God's gift to me and
what I become and do with who I am is my gift to God.

I have been "in love" a lot. . . .have these crushes and 'loves' lasted? No. . .but they were important for that period in my growth. Am I in love now? You bet your buns I am. . . .I love many people, some more than others, and two guys in more special ways. . . one is a special soul-mate and "flying mate" whom I call Peter Pan and the other is my love/heart mate named Peter. Peter is a baker and a fisherman, part of family business, a gorgeous guy my age, from a large family of Portugese descent.

(If you are curious, go back to my blog in July under the title "The Three Peters in my Life". . or something like that for details and photos.)

This, briefly, is my story of coming OUT, hinting at some of the journey I am on.
If any of you want to ask me more about any aspect of my story please feel free to ask your querstion on the Ugly Duckling site and I will try to respond as well as I can.

If anything I have shared is helpful to you, I am grateful. If not, ok. . I still have a LOT to learn.

ciao ciao, bambini. .

justin o'shea

Coming out in High School

This was not and official response to this blog but definitely worth a look

Catholic College coming out.

This was not a response to the this blog but it is a great video and a great affirmation.

GAY BOY ON CAPE COD

"Life is not a problem to be solved but a mystery to be lived." I found this quote some time back in the writings of a contemporary existentialist writer on spiritual realities name Adrian van Kaam. It stuck in my mind and I've thought about it and pictured the images he suggests. . .like each of us being a mystery which gradually unfolds and reveals the meaning to life. . . my life.

I remember my 4th birthday party and I can still see a scene that has stayed with me these last 17 years. The kids are all sitting on the living room floor, and next to me is Peter, I am opening his gift: a wind-up duck, something like the Afflack duck, which flapped and made that noise. I can still see him next to me. . . .thick longish brown hair, shiny dark brown eyes, very tan from summer on the Dunes. Peter was special, important to me, and I had nice feelings about him. At 4 years old I was having my first crush on / with another boy. And it was very good. When I think of that event and time I still have warm thoughts and happy feelings.

My name is Justin O'Shea and I am a gay boy, aged 21, with the same brown hair and dark brown shiny eyes as Peter. I was born and brought up in a large white house, with a wrap around porch, on the dunes, on the outer or ocean side of the Cape. Cape Cod is like an arm bent at the elbow, extending out from the mainland of Massachusetts, in northeastern USA. Our home is near the elbow, about a 20 minute drove south of Provincetown which is along the inside hand of the Cape.

I have written about a lot of this in my blog JUSTIN DUNES which I started last
July 2009. http://www.justindunes.blogspot.com if you are curious.

I am in my second year of grad school in psychology at a "prestigious Ivy League"( aren't they all?! LOL) university where I did my undergraduate studies. I plan on a PhD in psychology and hope for a service career as a psycho-therapist. While I think I would "mainstream" my service career I want to be of use to young gay people especially so as to help them weather through and allow to unfold that mystery of being gay people. I would hope I could help in some ways to make this mystery-unfolding easier for them and they people they love.

Where I come from is very important to the telling of my unfolding mystery, my story of growing up as a gay boy. My Dad is a government lawyer and Mom is a literature professor at a community college. I am the youngest of three: my brother is 12 years older and I and my sister is ten years older. A long gap before I appeared in the O'Shea family.

I wondered about the long space between me and my siblings. I asked my parents about this when I was about 10 or 11. . in one of our regular chats. . .I asked them if I was a mistake on the calendar. . .[growing up among older people all my life, I asked those kinds of questions] Their immediate reaction was "Oh No, honey, you are the baby we chose to have and came as a special gift from God when we thought we couldn't have another baby."

This was then the occasion for one of our chats about live and loving which happened when I asked the right question and gave them the opening to talk more about "the birds and the bees" and the mystery of living and loving. We always had that kind of open free relationship where I always felt free to ask questions, make comments, tell them how I felt and what was going on.

I know I was born gay nd have always been gay. . . that is the way God made me. . in His image and likeness, like all of us, gay or straight. I guess it's fair to say I have always thought that being "the way I am" is totally normal and ordinary. Oh, I didn't have then the clearer ideas and vocabulary about gay orientation I have so far today, but I soon found out I was "different" or felt I was different.

I had my second crush in the first grade. He was a curly red haired freckled-face boy named Roger. We sat next to each other. One day when the class was going to go somewhere in school the teacher had us line up, two by two, just as we had done in kindergarten. When I reached to take hold of his hand, as we did last year, Roger pulled away, with the look in his eyes which told me boys didn't hold hands. But I wanted to hold his hand and his reaction 'hurt' me and I wondered why he did that.

Bit by bit I discovered there were other things boys didn't do. I didn't talk about these but I wondered about them. I do not think though that these stifled my open and spontaneous reactions to life. . . . I just became more selective where and when and with whom. There wwere other kids who seemed "like me" and I figured this was all natural and normal. I grew up in an affectionate and demonstrative family and that has remained part of who I am, more so today.

Another factor in my growth as a gay man is the religious traditions of the O'Shea - Bouvier families: we are Catholics in the Roman tradition, which means we are Catholic in the RC line. My father's family came from Ireland once upon a time, and while still there, got mixed up with some European Gypsy bloodlines (not the Irish "Tinkers". My mother is a Bouvier ( not to be confused with the Jackie K or Princess Radziwill line) from France via French Quebec, later moving also to the Boston area.

We are regular Sunday Mass goers and have always been involved in our parish life. I would class my parents as liberal progressive Catholics who, after St Paul, "render to God our rational service". When they were running together in the 1960s and getting involved in life issues they also had serious dialog about the Church and how they see things and fit into the way of following Jesus and the Gospel. These dialogs continued in their married life with each other and with their children. So growing up I was always part of this as we definitely were not sheep being lead by the grain bucket.

So in the midst of all of this growing up I had my first guy-guy gay sexual experience. Also around that time I came out to my parents: I told them I was gay.

(To be continued in Part Two. Stay tuned. . . . )

Official Welcome to the Ugly Ducklings Project

Don't Wear Other Peoples' Garbage

Way too often, for some reason, we allow people to dump their garbage on us and we too often wear that garbage for a whole day. . . or, sadly, for a life-time. We allow them to do that. . .to tell us who we are and how we feel about ourselves. Here is a piece about Garbage Truck Philosophy.

Hello! I am Justin O'Shea, a 21 yo university student, from Cape Cod, Massachusetts, northeastern USA. My mate, Shannon from Australia, invited me to join him in this project.
I will tell you my story in my next post.

ciao ~ justin

Subject: LESSON OF THE DAY.......IGNORING OTHER'S GARBAGE!!

One day I hopped in a taxi and we took off for the airport. We were driving in the right lane when suddenly a black car jumped out of a parking space right in front of us. My taxi driver slammed on his brakes, skidded, and missed the other car by just inches! The driver of the other car whipped his head around and started yelling at us. My taxi driver just smiled and waved at the guy. And I mean, he was really friendly. So I asked, 'Why did you just do that? This guy almost ruined your car and sent us to the hospital!' This is when my taxi driver taught me what I now call, 'The Law of the Garbage Truck'. He explained that many people are like garbage trucks. They run around full of garbage, full of frustration, full of anger, and full of disappointment. As their garbage piles up, they need a place to dump it and sometimes they'll dump it on you. Don't take it personally. Just smile, wave, wish them well, and move on. Don't take their garbage and spread it to other people at work, at home, or on the streets. The bottom line is that successful people do not let garbage trucks take over their day. Life's too short to wake up in the morning with regrets, so ... Love the people who treat you right. Pray for the ones who don't. Life is ten percent what you make it and ninety percent how you take it! Have a garbage-free day!

Welcome to the Ugly Ducklings Project

All around the world young people are struggling everyday with their sexuality. As young people it can be hard to find messages of hope and affirmation in the world today. Too many young people take their own lives because they feel lost. They feel unloved. They feel worthless.  

They feel like the ugly Duckling.  

Within every ugly duckling there is something amazing, something that should be nurtured, something that deserves to be loved. 

A friend once said to me,

"if you have any ideas that could help change the minds of kids thinking as you did....please offer them to them. who knows how many swans weve lost."  

So this is it. This is the Ugly Ducklings Project. This is a place for anybody to speak. Leave your own story, make your own video. Add your own messages of hope and affirmation or leave a tribute to a lost swan.

Share your story so that others may read it and know that they are not alone.

I will begin with my own story.