My Life in the Shadows

My name is Len. To start let me give a brief summary of my life. Brief I say because to explain it all would take a lifetime! Our family emigrated from England to Australia when I was 10. At the time of writing this I am 49 years old and not to far of my 50th. So why is this old fart writing on a blog about being gay & coming out (or not). I have my suspicions as to the circumstances around why we emigrated but I have never been able to substantiate my suspicions. We and by we I mean my older brother and sister and younger sister, mum and dad. I went to the typical Australian school and tried to get involved in as many sports as I could but never found anyone particular sport that I was really good at accept for running. Growing up as a normal (well what I thought was normal) boy and spent some time in change rooms and yes I did find myself taking the sneak peek at the other guys as we got showered and changed and I am sure there were other guys that did the same. There were even guys fooling around in the change rooms, what I took as normal banter about body builds size of arses and other various body parts. I started to take more notice of guys but I put this down to curiosity. I left school at a very young age and not long after my mum & dad got divorced and I eventually joined the Army. There were no secrets to hide there as the showers were communal and every one could openly see everyone else (just like back at school) I was not ashamed and I would stand around naked as would any of the other army guys. I had my suspicions about my sexuality back then and at various times throughout my army life I had it tested to some degree but always ended up believing that I was just a normal guy and anything that I experienced was just one of those speed bumps in life. Yes I had girlfriends but they never lasted. I realised that of the girls that I did go out with all had brothers and I would spend more time out with her brothers than I did her. The pubs the clubs and all that were fun and the boy’s nights out were also good. The topics of discussion was religion, girls that we had sex with and were they any good and how many girls have we had etc . I found that the only way to join in was to lie, that was the beginning of the lie and to this date continues. I had a few male on male encounters while I was in the Army and at one time I was going out with a girl that I thought was right for me and that I for the first time new that I was “Normal” . Only to reflect upon our relationship (after we broke up) that I analysed what it was that I saw in this girl that I thought I would marry. It turned out that she was a tom boy. She wore jeans and ‘T’ shirts most the time. Never saw her in a dress, but there were plenty of guys that wanted to see her out of one mind you. So for her tom boyish style was all that I really saw in her. Again I questioned my sexuality. I got married and we even had some good 3somes (MFM) and even then it was with male friends of mine. I even found that I enjoyed watching the other guys and their arsenal of weaponry. I now thought that I was what I now know as Bisexual because I liked girls and guys. So I believed that I was Bi and I entertained this idea for some time but I was never certain. Yes we had kids and lived a normal life as a family would. Our sex life was average to say the least. I loved going away with the family and this was usually to a beach somewhere. I would find myself checking out the guys on the beach and in the water or those that were getting out. I would walk along the beach and look at the guys lying on their backs and I would try and sneak a peek down their stomaches to see if I could get a glimpse of whatever they were hiding in their swimmers. At this point in a ‘Normal’ guys life he would be checking out the girls in bikini’s etc but not me. I was confused about my sexuality right from the age of 17 through to now at the age of 49 (just about to turn 50) I have lived my life unhappy that I was hiding something from everyone and I hated myself for it. A few months back and all this stuff was making me get upset more than usual, I found that I was considerably emotional, I would cry at the drop of a hat, cry at hearing an old song that brought back memories of an earlier time of my life or even just a good romantic movie. I had to find out why this was; I went to a doctor and short of telling me that I needed to go see a shrink. I thought stuff that I would sort it out myself. I took a few days (weeks actually) to take some ‘Me’ time and walked along several beaches, day and at night and resolved to find the answers and make a decision and live with whatever the decision was. Now at my stage of life I have a lot more to lose than I have to gain out of coming out and announcing to the world that I am Gay and not as I first thought Bisexual. Some people would say that you are gay from the day you are born and that you don’t turn gay. This I found to be the case only I refused to acknowledge it. I went from being what I thought was straight to being Bi to finally admitting to myself that I am gay and always have been but due to reasons that only I can live with do not wish to come out. Coming out would certainly alienate me from the rest of the family and I know this as fact as I have discussed hypothetical situations with family members and I am sure that I would not get the support that one would need to get through it or to live as I am now only happier that the weight is of my shoulders somewhat. Certain members of my family are homophobic. I have been asked what I would do if my son was to tell me he was gay and my response has always been the same “I’d still love and support him” he is after all still the same person. Others in my family would not be so understanding. I made a decision a few weeks back that I would admit to myself that I was gay and always have been and that I would not come out. Why am I gay when I am married with two great kids, is the marriage a scam or a cover, No, did/do I love my wife? Yes. Then what makes me gay simple I like guys, women do nothing for me their body shape size of their boobs etc mean nothing to me whereas I see a guy who is well defined, looks after himself, wearing their shorts/trousers off the hip showing just a hint (or a lot) of underwear interesting and sometimes with lust. Guys at the beach in boardies or Speedos I find an attractive look. At my age I look but can’t touch. It is only now that I wish I had been true to myself back when I was 17 and admitted to the world that I am gay. My advice to any young man that is questioning their sexuality is to make their decision early and be true to them. Don’t live a life in denial. Live your life happy and not having to justify yourself many years later. Why should guys that are gay have to justify their sexuality? Straight guys don’t have to justify why they are straight. I am happy to tell others what it is that is holding me back from coming out if they wish to know or if it is going to help them in any way. younglennard.blogspot.com