STEWART'S STORY

I grew up in the church-going 70's. In a very Pentecostal family. Our churches do's and don'ts were really all don'ts. So strict was the church that we didn't even have a television, girls could not wear pants and had to wear their hair up all the time. As the 80's set in, I started high school. I'd always known that something was different about me. My upbringing forced me to ignore myself and live only for others. Also in 1980, I nearly lost my mother to a rare illness. This only served to push me more into the church. At school, I was an outcast. It was always rumored that I was gay but the blame always went to the church. I didn't do what other kids were doing because of my faith.

I found a friend at church. We hit it off right away and spent as much time together as we could. We were always the good kids. Always did what we were told. We even double-dated a few times. Although I think we were really dating each other. After high school, I went to college and he went into the army. I found that I missed him more than I could ever believe while he was at basic training. While he was away, his parents announced that they were divorcing ( A huge DON'T in the church). And next thing I knew, although he had not completed his training, he was home again. He never told me why he was kicked out. I know that 2 days later, he and his girlfriend were split up. I was working late that night at my part-time job. He called me at work and wanted to talk right then. I told him that I was not allowed to talk on the phone at work and I would come over when I got off at 11pm. I never talked to him again. He was found dead in his pick-up truck with his brains splattered on the back window.

I had suspected for years that he too was gay. The tragic way that his life ended, only made me believe even more that being gay was wrong. I once again found refuge in the church. I finished school and dove into my career. I figured that if I could not be with a man, I would give my life to helping others and my career. Eventually, I even started dating a girl. After asking her to marry me, I began to realise what I had done. I was able to break things off before it was too late.
A few years later, my high-tech career gave way to new technology and I found myself out of work and alone. This time when I turned to the church, I was called out. Basically told that it was my own doing that things were not working out for me. That my impure thoughts were what had made me loose everything. For the first time, I was turned away from the church.
I went to the park and was sitting on a grassy hill. Out of nowhere, this little kid shows up and asked me if I was OK. He told me that everything was going to get better and that he would prove it. He asked if I would like him to find me a four leaf clover. To humor the kid , I said yes. After about 10 minutes of searching, he looked at me and said " Here you go, now everything will change" I'll be damned if he didn't place a fresh picked four leaf clover in my hand. He then smiled and left. I have no idea where he went to or who he was with.

The Internet was new then and I, being from a high-tech background actually had access. I answered an ad from what sounded like a nice guy from a near-by town. We emailed each other for 2 months. I saved every email. I cross checked everything that he said to make sure he was being honest with me. Then one day in early February of 1999, I went to meet this Internet stranger. Strange he was. I was fascinated with him. We were about the same age and both had never dated guys before. We quickly became best of friends and started doing everything together. Then in June of 2005 we invited two of our best friends to accompany us to Toronto to witness our wedding. It was pride week, so we invited a million or so people to the reception. And everyone came. We had a parade and everything.

It was a very long road to get here. I had to come out to my parents and siblings. I lost a very good friend and learned a lot about the church and Christianity. And how the two don't always go hand in hand. In the end, all but one of my sisters accepts that I am gay. My parents love my husband as much as I do. I could not imagine my life without him or all of them. I wish that I had the courage to come out at a younger age. But, then I would not have experienced everything that I have. I hold no grudges. I only hope that young teens can find the courage to live their lives for themselves. You'll never be happy as long as you are denying yourself of who you are.
I hope that my story helps.
--
Stew

I hope that these help someone.

JACK'S STORY

It only takes one idea, one second in time, one friend, one dream, one leap of faith, to change everything, forever. Just one! Yet eternity lies in the palm of your hand.

It has taken me a long time to put this entry together. Every time I get started I think of the huge portion of my life spent hiding and denying who I really am. I become horribly emotional and drained of my ability to continue. I can assure you, I will go through an enormous amount of Kleenex before I finish this article.

Born a Baby Boomer/War Baby and raised in a VERY conservative neighborhood, I knew at an early age I liked boys. I also knew that to express that desire would earn me a beating from either my family, my friends, or schoolmates. Added to that would be years of humiliation, insults, and being ostracized..

I kept my orientation "on the down low" for many, many years. I played the straight role - joining the U.S. Navy and eventually the Army, getting married, having kids. My sexuality eventually destroyed my marriage (ironically, I got custody of the kids).

In the military I was able to do my job and do it very well for over 24 years as evidenced by many awards, decorations, and commendations. However, I could not share my "real" life with my fellow sailors and soldiers. More than once I was sure someone was about to blow my cover (no pun intended) and I would have lost everything: my job, insurance, pension, and whatever self-respect I had managed to hold on to. My family will tell you there was a huge weight lifted from my shoulders and spirit once I retired.

My two sons were aware their Dad was gay years ago, it simply, and amazingly, made no difference to them. Shortly after my retirement at age 53, I decided I had had enough masquerading. The first phone call was to my younger brother and his wife who live on the other side of the country. Knowing it would likely be the last time we ever talked, I was in tears as I made "the big announcement." My wonderful brother and his lovely, lovely wife just laughed and asked, "who finally told you?" They, like almost everyone else I came out to, had known for years and didn’t give a damn - I was still me, the screwy brother, dad, uncle, and friend that I was before the revelation. When I asked why no one said anything, the common answer: "It wasn’t our place to out you."

I know many people are scared to death to crawl out of that damned closet. I urge you to talk to someone you trust, contact a local gay support group (google, google, google), and at least consider freeing yourself from the confines placed on you by others. In the Detroit area, it is Affirmations (248 398 7105). They should be able to help you find a similar organization in your area.

I simply can not imagine my life without my GLBT family. There are those who came into my life when I was so sure I would never feel "normal" - one of them encouraged me to contribute this entry to Ugly Duckling and I will be forever grateful to him. There are those at Affirmations who continually reinforce my feelings of self worth - especially following the breakup of a seven year relationship last fall. Will I ever find a partner? Who knows, who cares - I am happy, I have a wonderful family, and I am - at long last - enjoying my life.

Jack.

My Life in the Shadows

My name is Len. To start let me give a brief summary of my life. Brief I say because to explain it all would take a lifetime! Our family emigrated from England to Australia when I was 10. At the time of writing this I am 49 years old and not to far of my 50th. So why is this old fart writing on a blog about being gay & coming out (or not). I have my suspicions as to the circumstances around why we emigrated but I have never been able to substantiate my suspicions. We and by we I mean my older brother and sister and younger sister, mum and dad. I went to the typical Australian school and tried to get involved in as many sports as I could but never found anyone particular sport that I was really good at accept for running. Growing up as a normal (well what I thought was normal) boy and spent some time in change rooms and yes I did find myself taking the sneak peek at the other guys as we got showered and changed and I am sure there were other guys that did the same. There were even guys fooling around in the change rooms, what I took as normal banter about body builds size of arses and other various body parts. I started to take more notice of guys but I put this down to curiosity. I left school at a very young age and not long after my mum & dad got divorced and I eventually joined the Army. There were no secrets to hide there as the showers were communal and every one could openly see everyone else (just like back at school) I was not ashamed and I would stand around naked as would any of the other army guys. I had my suspicions about my sexuality back then and at various times throughout my army life I had it tested to some degree but always ended up believing that I was just a normal guy and anything that I experienced was just one of those speed bumps in life. Yes I had girlfriends but they never lasted. I realised that of the girls that I did go out with all had brothers and I would spend more time out with her brothers than I did her. The pubs the clubs and all that were fun and the boy’s nights out were also good. The topics of discussion was religion, girls that we had sex with and were they any good and how many girls have we had etc . I found that the only way to join in was to lie, that was the beginning of the lie and to this date continues. I had a few male on male encounters while I was in the Army and at one time I was going out with a girl that I thought was right for me and that I for the first time new that I was “Normal” . Only to reflect upon our relationship (after we broke up) that I analysed what it was that I saw in this girl that I thought I would marry. It turned out that she was a tom boy. She wore jeans and ‘T’ shirts most the time. Never saw her in a dress, but there were plenty of guys that wanted to see her out of one mind you. So for her tom boyish style was all that I really saw in her. Again I questioned my sexuality. I got married and we even had some good 3somes (MFM) and even then it was with male friends of mine. I even found that I enjoyed watching the other guys and their arsenal of weaponry. I now thought that I was what I now know as Bisexual because I liked girls and guys. So I believed that I was Bi and I entertained this idea for some time but I was never certain. Yes we had kids and lived a normal life as a family would. Our sex life was average to say the least. I loved going away with the family and this was usually to a beach somewhere. I would find myself checking out the guys on the beach and in the water or those that were getting out. I would walk along the beach and look at the guys lying on their backs and I would try and sneak a peek down their stomaches to see if I could get a glimpse of whatever they were hiding in their swimmers. At this point in a ‘Normal’ guys life he would be checking out the girls in bikini’s etc but not me. I was confused about my sexuality right from the age of 17 through to now at the age of 49 (just about to turn 50) I have lived my life unhappy that I was hiding something from everyone and I hated myself for it. A few months back and all this stuff was making me get upset more than usual, I found that I was considerably emotional, I would cry at the drop of a hat, cry at hearing an old song that brought back memories of an earlier time of my life or even just a good romantic movie. I had to find out why this was; I went to a doctor and short of telling me that I needed to go see a shrink. I thought stuff that I would sort it out myself. I took a few days (weeks actually) to take some ‘Me’ time and walked along several beaches, day and at night and resolved to find the answers and make a decision and live with whatever the decision was. Now at my stage of life I have a lot more to lose than I have to gain out of coming out and announcing to the world that I am Gay and not as I first thought Bisexual. Some people would say that you are gay from the day you are born and that you don’t turn gay. This I found to be the case only I refused to acknowledge it. I went from being what I thought was straight to being Bi to finally admitting to myself that I am gay and always have been but due to reasons that only I can live with do not wish to come out. Coming out would certainly alienate me from the rest of the family and I know this as fact as I have discussed hypothetical situations with family members and I am sure that I would not get the support that one would need to get through it or to live as I am now only happier that the weight is of my shoulders somewhat. Certain members of my family are homophobic. I have been asked what I would do if my son was to tell me he was gay and my response has always been the same “I’d still love and support him” he is after all still the same person. Others in my family would not be so understanding. I made a decision a few weeks back that I would admit to myself that I was gay and always have been and that I would not come out. Why am I gay when I am married with two great kids, is the marriage a scam or a cover, No, did/do I love my wife? Yes. Then what makes me gay simple I like guys, women do nothing for me their body shape size of their boobs etc mean nothing to me whereas I see a guy who is well defined, looks after himself, wearing their shorts/trousers off the hip showing just a hint (or a lot) of underwear interesting and sometimes with lust. Guys at the beach in boardies or Speedos I find an attractive look. At my age I look but can’t touch. It is only now that I wish I had been true to myself back when I was 17 and admitted to the world that I am gay. My advice to any young man that is questioning their sexuality is to make their decision early and be true to them. Don’t live a life in denial. Live your life happy and not having to justify yourself many years later. Why should guys that are gay have to justify their sexuality? Straight guys don’t have to justify why they are straight. I am happy to tell others what it is that is holding me back from coming out if they wish to know or if it is going to help them in any way. younglennard.blogspot.com

Rudolph's Story

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer

History of Rudolph story (TRUE STORY) A man named Bob May, depressed and brokenhearted, stared out his drafty apartment window into the chilling December night. His 4-year-old daughter Barbara sat on his lap quietly sobbing. Bob's wife, Evelyn, was dying of cancer. Little Barbara couldn't understand why her mommy could never come home. Barbara looked up into her dad's eyes and asked, "Why isn't Mommy just like everybody else's Mommy?" Bob's jaw tightened and his eyes welled with tears. Her question brought waves of grief, but also of anger. It had been the story of Bob's life. Life always had to be different for Bob. Small when he was a kid, Bob was often bullied by other boys. He was too little at the time to compete in sports. He was often called names he'd rather not remember. From childhood, Bob was different and never seemed to fit in. Bob did complete college, married his loving wife and was grateful to get his job as a copywriter at Montgomery Ward during the Great Depression. Then he was blessed with his little girl. But it was all short-lived. Evelyn's bout with cancer stripped them of all their savings and now Bob and his daughter were forced to live in a two-room apartment in the Chicago slums. Evelyn died just days before Christmas in 1938. Bob struggled to give hope to his child, for whom he couldn't even afford to buy a Christmas gift. But if he couldn't buy a gift, he was determined a make one - a storybook! Bob had created an animal character in his own mind and told the animal's story to little Barbara to give her comfort and hope. Again and again Bob told the story, embellishing it more with each telling. Who was the character? What was the story all about? The story Bob May created was his own autobiography in fable form. The character he created was a misfit outcast like he was. The name of the character? A little reindeer named Rudolph, with a big shiny nose. Bob finished the book just in time to give it to his little girl onChristmas Day. But the story doesn't end there. The general manager of Montgomery Ward caught wind of the little storybook and offered Bob May a nominal fee to purchase the rights to print the book. Wards went on to print,Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer and distribute it to children visiting Santa Claus in their stores. By 1946 Wards had printed and distributed more than six million copies of Rudolph. That same year, a major publisher wanted to purchase the rights from Wards to print an updated version of the book. In an unprecedented gesture of kindness, the CEO of Wards returned all rights back to Bob May. The book became a best seller. Many toy and marketing deals followed and Bob May, now remarried with a growing family, became wealthy from the story he created to comfort his grieving daughter. But the story doesn't end there either. Bob's brother-in-law, Johnny Marks, made a song adaptation to Rudolph. Though the song was turned down by such popular vocalists as Bing Crosby and Dinah Shore, it was recorded by the singing cowboy, Gene Autry. "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" was released in 1949 and became a phenomenal success, selling more records than any other Christmas song, with the exception of "White Christmas." The gift of love that Bob May created for his daughter so long ago kept on returning back to bless him again and again. And Bob May learned the lesson, just like his dear friend Rudolph, that being different isn't so bad. In fact, being different can be a blessing. 3

GAY BOY ON CAPE COD . . . Part TWO

GAY BOY ON CAPE COD . . . Part TWO

When I was 15 years old I had my first gay sexual experience. I had been dealing with my queer feelings and desires. I had a couple close friends and we talked together about our feelings and searchings, our sexual development, and all the usual stuff kids talk about and experiment with.

In high school I was a good student, involved in various activities and intra-mural sports and also on the school track team. I was a runner and participated in marathons. My running partner was a senior, two years older than I. We got along well socially and I felt attracted to him emotionally and physically and we enjoyed hanging out together.

One fall afternoon we were late returning to school. There was no one in the locker room or showers. We started undressing and he began some friendly contact, nothing out of the ordinary. In the shower room we continued our banter and faux-boxing. It was obvious we both liked what we were feeling. I am sure things would have gone further but we heard a locker slam so we hurried and dried off and got dressed and left.

He drove me home and on the way turned off the road into a wooded area we call "The Enchanted Forest". . . .and without resistance he unzipped my jeans, slid them down. . . and we engaed in homosexual activity. The rest of the year was quite an "education" and I am a quick and curious learner.

My reaction to this? I liked it; felt mostly comfortable with what we were doing.
Sex felt normal to me and I didn't have moral guilt about it. I am Catholic and with my parents I had talked about the position of the Church on sexuality in general. And I felt comfortable with myself and a lot of my feelings.

One evening my parents and I were alone, as most of the time we were. My brother is married and has two sons. My sister also is married and they have a son and a daughter. We are a close-knit family and we all come "home for the holidays" - religious, civil. This was an evening for family chat.. . Mom, Dad and me.

I was a tad nervous but not afraid, I had decided it was time to tell them they had a gay son. So I just simply told them I had been doing a lot of thinking about my feelings, my beliefs and what I wanted to do in college and in life. Then I just said "Oh and I want you to know I am gay. I am emotionally attracted to other guys. . "

Very gently Mom said "We know, honey, we know. Your father and I have felt you were and were wondering when you would be ready to tell us. . . ." We talked for a long time that evening and it was good. It was very good.

My parents have been and are very understanding and supportive of their gay son. I am indeed fortunate and blessed with my parents and their intelligent, loving and supportive attitudes.

My friends are always welcome in our home and treated as one of the family. When one of my friends stays overnight it is never a big deal or something to arouse suspicion or disapproval. One of the commentors on my blog has told me
I have been spoiled. . . gifted in so many ways, with great opportunities and privilege.

Personally I do not feel conflicted being gay and Catholic. My way of expressing this is quite simple: I believe and have been taught that we are created in the image and likeness of God. . . .and all God created is good and sacred. I also have been taught by my Church that in my Baptism I was identified with Jesus Christ.
We talk a great deal about identity. . . .well identify comes from two Latin words: idem (the same) + facere (to make). . .so in Baptism we are made the same as Christ. . . we share in divine life. This happens to all baptized. . straight or gay.
This is not an emotional trip; it is an intellectual statement of the Church's theology of Baptism. This isn't my concocted justification for being gay; it is theological fact. . . .which too many church people totally overlook.

God doesn't make mistakes. Our human sexuality and sexual orientation is part and parcel of who we are.

What follows is my own reflection and accommodated interpretation of the creation of Adam and Eve in the Book of Genesis.

++++ And God looked at all He created and saw that it was very good. God looked at the Man he had made and reflected. . "It is not good for the Man to be alone. . .therefore I shall create for him a helpmate like unto himself." . . .So male and female He created them, straight and gay He created them. . .And God saw all He had created was very good and God rested from all the work He had done.

As a gay boy created by God a "helpmate like unto myself" would need to be gay also. Since being gay is part of who I am, then being gay is God's gift to me and
what I become and do with who I am is my gift to God.

I have been "in love" a lot. . . .have these crushes and 'loves' lasted? No. . .but they were important for that period in my growth. Am I in love now? You bet your buns I am. . . .I love many people, some more than others, and two guys in more special ways. . . one is a special soul-mate and "flying mate" whom I call Peter Pan and the other is my love/heart mate named Peter. Peter is a baker and a fisherman, part of family business, a gorgeous guy my age, from a large family of Portugese descent.

(If you are curious, go back to my blog in July under the title "The Three Peters in my Life". . or something like that for details and photos.)

This, briefly, is my story of coming OUT, hinting at some of the journey I am on.
If any of you want to ask me more about any aspect of my story please feel free to ask your querstion on the Ugly Duckling site and I will try to respond as well as I can.

If anything I have shared is helpful to you, I am grateful. If not, ok. . I still have a LOT to learn.

ciao ciao, bambini. .

justin o'shea

Coming out in High School

This was not and official response to this blog but definitely worth a look

Catholic College coming out.

This was not a response to the this blog but it is a great video and a great affirmation.