Gay Relationships: Top Reasons Why They Work & Fail
Posted: 16 Apr 2010 12:31 AM PDT
I still use that handout in my clinical work as it is a great resource in helping couples assess their own relationship functioning, as well as to use it as a guide for developing goals to work on. Linden Oaks is credited for this content, which is outlined below. The word ‘relationships’ is being used instead of ‘marriages’, as was specified in the handout.
While written for a heterosexual audience, we can certainly adapt this information to our gay partnerships as the following content illustrates issues that are universal to all relationship styles. Hopefully you will find it useful as it applies to evaluating your own relationship for maximizing its success.
Top 10 Reasons Relationships Work
10. “Our relationship is first…not third or fourth…”
9. “We’re able to compromise…”
8. “He acknowledges and validates me…”
7. “Humor…we know how to have fun…”
6. “We’re friends…”
5. “We accept each other’s strengths and weaknesses…”
4. “Everybody’s responsible and no one is to blame…”
3. “We have a healthy dependence/mutuality in our relationship…”
2. “We can disagree without attacking…”
1. “We’re able to really listen and communicate with each other…”
Top 10 Reasons Relationships Fail
10. “We’ve just grown apart…”
9. “We’re just not in love anymore…”
8. “He’ll never change…”
7. “I don’t have any emotions/feelings left…”
6. “All we do is fight…”
5. “There’s just too much resentment built up…”
4. “We can’t work out problems with children…”
3. “There’s no intimacy or ‘fire’…”
2. “I just can’t trust him…”
1. “We just don’t communicate…”
Tips For Lasting Love
• Ability to solve problems
• Active listening
• Ability to express and validate feelings and needs
• Personal responsibility
• Love and romance
• Friendship
• Forgiveness
Adding ‘Gay’ To The Mix
While there are some universal elements to relationships, we gay couples have our own unique and special challenges and benefits to live through that are different than other relationship styles. In fact, we have added burdens and obstacles to overcome living in a homophobic society to make our relationships succeed in the long-term. And because of the multitude of barriers and stressors we face, we are in a better position to experience higher-level feelings of intimacy because of the shared experiences and resilience we have, but only if we can muster up the courage to push forward during those difficult times as a united front. The rewards of growing, learning, and changing as a couple are great!
Some additional factors that I might add to the list for making relationships work that are more specific to gay men in a couple include:
• Having solid self-esteem and comfort with being gay
• Both men being at the same level of “outness”; and the more “out”, the better to allow for more openness, relaxation, and honesty in all environments
• Having a support system of people who honor, value, and validate the men’s relationship as a gay couple
• Each man having his own individual identity, as well as commitment to a relationship identity to allow for more balance and vitality
• Having a clear agreement about monogamy vs. non-monogamy in one’s relationship and having an understanding of what that means and looks like and abiding by that faithfully
• Recognition that relationships take effort and work
• Having a shared vision for the future as a couple
• And most importantly, as in all relationships, communication is key! Productive conflict resolution is critical! Honesty is a must! The ability to be flexible is also important.
Conclusion
This article merely scratches the surface of what constitutes a healthy relationship. There are many ingredients that go into creating a successful partnership, but the topics discussed here provide you with a basic foundation of what’s most needed to get you on the right track. What’s important is that each couple defines for themselves what works best for them and what happiness and fulfillment would look like for them.
The above skills will help promote a working atmosphere to help the two of you co-pilot the type of relationship you’re seeking. Identify your strengths and weaknesses as a couple from the tips and craft a plan for making things even better between the two of you.
Society desperately needs to see healthy gay couples functioning in successful relationships. Could you be a role model as gay partners if you choose? If so, let us all share the wealth and wisdom with each other as a community, to learn from each other on what it takes! Cheers to your relationship success!
© 2005 Brian L. Rzepczynski
Brian Rzepczynski, Certified Personal Life Coach, is The Gay Love Coach: “I work with gay men who are ready to create a road map that will lead them to find and build a lasting partnership with Mr. Right.” To sign up for the FREE Gay Love Coach Newsletter filled with dating and relationship tips and skills for gay singles and couples, as well as to check out current coaching groups, programs, and teleclasses, please visit www.TheGayLoveCoach.com
This appears obvious but is often overlooked, I've observed. . . . . . . .justin
Gay Relationships: Parents, In-Laws & Relatives
Enlightened parents welcome a son or daughter’s partner into the family. Even if this feels like uncharted territory to Mom and Dad, they grasp that the new love in their son’s life is the important thing, not the gender of the person offering that love. Family get-togethers may be awkward times when protocol is still being determined, but good intentions and clear communication are enough to smooth over most rough spots.
How to establish a good relationship between you and your partner and your parents?
For starters, if you’re not already out to your parents – this is the time to do so. They need to understand that your partner is your partner – not a roommate, “friend” or some other shrunken version of your true relationship. If your parents want to introduce your significant other as “our son’s friend” if you bump into their acquaintances, that may not be a big deal. But it is a very big deal for you to represent the relationship that way to people in your family network.
Be clear about what you want and expect when you introduce your partner to your family. Are you looking for parental approval? If you are close to your parents it is understandable that you would want their support, but be clear: you are an adult, and your life choices do not depend on Mom and Dad’s approval. In fact, implying that you want that approval puts your parents in an awkward position. Now instead of just meeting your beau, they have to give him their seal of approval. Wouldn’t it be enough if they were simply polite and friendly around him?
Make it easy for your parents to give you what you want. “Mom, I want you and Dad to come over for dinner next Saturday and meet my boyfriend Michael” is pretty clear. “Um, Mom, there’s something I’ve been wanting to tell you. I don’t know if this is a good time, but well, um, I’m seeing this guy Michael and I wanted to let you know” is not clear communication. Put yourself in your mother’s place. How is she supposed to react? You sound ambivalent and uncertain. Her reaction is likely to reflect that.
What to do when parents are unwelcoming to your partner, despite your best intentions? This can create a painful dilemma; it can feel as if you must choose between your family relationships and your relationship with your partner. While sometimes that is exactly the choice that must be made, more often the choice is really about how to respond to familial bullying.
For those of us who have been raised to be the proverbial “best little boy in the world,” it can be disorienting to realize that it’s time to stand up to family pressure.
Remember: you’re an adult now, and if you and your partner have made a commitment that reflects your love and devotion to one another, then he is your primary family now.
John R. Ballew, M.S. an author and contributor to GAYTWOGETHER, is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta. He specializes in issues related to coming out, sexuality, relationships and spirituality. If you have any questions or comments you can submit them directly to GAYTWOGETHER or John R. Ballew, M.S. - www.bodymindsoul.org.
