Saturday, July 31, 2010
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
ELDERLY GAY COUPLE KEPT APART, ROBBED BY COUNTY OFFICIALS
BULLSHIT!
Read the atrocities committed against these senior gays. Then BE SURE you at least have the legally signed documents they may require and be sure you have someone with enough hutzpah to see these are enforced.
Read and weep. . .then get pissed as hell!
justin
http://bayarea.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/04/20/suit-charges-elderly-gay-couple-was-forced-apart/?hp
Friday, April 16, 2010
Gay Relationships: Top Reasons Why They Work & Fail
Posted: 16 Apr 2010 12:31 AM PDT
I still use that handout in my clinical work as it is a great resource in helping couples assess their own relationship functioning, as well as to use it as a guide for developing goals to work on. Linden Oaks is credited for this content, which is outlined below. The word ‘relationships’ is being used instead of ‘marriages’, as was specified in the handout.
While written for a heterosexual audience, we can certainly adapt this information to our gay partnerships as the following content illustrates issues that are universal to all relationship styles. Hopefully you will find it useful as it applies to evaluating your own relationship for maximizing its success.
Top 10 Reasons Relationships Work
10. “Our relationship is first…not third or fourth…”
9. “We’re able to compromise…”
8. “He acknowledges and validates me…”
7. “Humor…we know how to have fun…”
6. “We’re friends…”
5. “We accept each other’s strengths and weaknesses…”
4. “Everybody’s responsible and no one is to blame…”
3. “We have a healthy dependence/mutuality in our relationship…”
2. “We can disagree without attacking…”
1. “We’re able to really listen and communicate with each other…”
Top 10 Reasons Relationships Fail
10. “We’ve just grown apart…”
9. “We’re just not in love anymore…”
8. “He’ll never change…”
7. “I don’t have any emotions/feelings left…”
6. “All we do is fight…”
5. “There’s just too much resentment built up…”
4. “We can’t work out problems with children…”
3. “There’s no intimacy or ‘fire’…”
2. “I just can’t trust him…”
1. “We just don’t communicate…”
Tips For Lasting Love
• Ability to solve problems
• Active listening
• Ability to express and validate feelings and needs
• Personal responsibility
• Love and romance
• Friendship
• Forgiveness
Adding ‘Gay’ To The Mix
While there are some universal elements to relationships, we gay couples have our own unique and special challenges and benefits to live through that are different than other relationship styles. In fact, we have added burdens and obstacles to overcome living in a homophobic society to make our relationships succeed in the long-term. And because of the multitude of barriers and stressors we face, we are in a better position to experience higher-level feelings of intimacy because of the shared experiences and resilience we have, but only if we can muster up the courage to push forward during those difficult times as a united front. The rewards of growing, learning, and changing as a couple are great!
Some additional factors that I might add to the list for making relationships work that are more specific to gay men in a couple include:
• Having solid self-esteem and comfort with being gay
• Both men being at the same level of “outness”; and the more “out”, the better to allow for more openness, relaxation, and honesty in all environments
• Having a support system of people who honor, value, and validate the men’s relationship as a gay couple
• Each man having his own individual identity, as well as commitment to a relationship identity to allow for more balance and vitality
• Having a clear agreement about monogamy vs. non-monogamy in one’s relationship and having an understanding of what that means and looks like and abiding by that faithfully
• Recognition that relationships take effort and work
• Having a shared vision for the future as a couple
• And most importantly, as in all relationships, communication is key! Productive conflict resolution is critical! Honesty is a must! The ability to be flexible is also important.
Conclusion
This article merely scratches the surface of what constitutes a healthy relationship. There are many ingredients that go into creating a successful partnership, but the topics discussed here provide you with a basic foundation of what’s most needed to get you on the right track. What’s important is that each couple defines for themselves what works best for them and what happiness and fulfillment would look like for them.
The above skills will help promote a working atmosphere to help the two of you co-pilot the type of relationship you’re seeking. Identify your strengths and weaknesses as a couple from the tips and craft a plan for making things even better between the two of you.
Society desperately needs to see healthy gay couples functioning in successful relationships. Could you be a role model as gay partners if you choose? If so, let us all share the wealth and wisdom with each other as a community, to learn from each other on what it takes! Cheers to your relationship success!
© 2005 Brian L. Rzepczynski
Brian Rzepczynski, Certified Personal Life Coach, is The Gay Love Coach: “I work with gay men who are ready to create a road map that will lead them to find and build a lasting partnership with Mr. Right.” To sign up for the FREE Gay Love Coach Newsletter filled with dating and relationship tips and skills for gay singles and couples, as well as to check out current coaching groups, programs, and teleclasses, please visit www.TheGayLoveCoach.com
PARENTS, INLAWS, OUT-LAWS. . RELATIVES
This appears obvious but is often overlooked, I've observed. . . . . . . .justin
Gay Relationships: Parents, In-Laws & Relatives
Enlightened parents welcome a son or daughter’s partner into the family. Even if this feels like uncharted territory to Mom and Dad, they grasp that the new love in their son’s life is the important thing, not the gender of the person offering that love. Family get-togethers may be awkward times when protocol is still being determined, but good intentions and clear communication are enough to smooth over most rough spots.
How to establish a good relationship between you and your partner and your parents?
For starters, if you’re not already out to your parents – this is the time to do so. They need to understand that your partner is your partner – not a roommate, “friend” or some other shrunken version of your true relationship. If your parents want to introduce your significant other as “our son’s friend” if you bump into their acquaintances, that may not be a big deal. But it is a very big deal for you to represent the relationship that way to people in your family network.
Be clear about what you want and expect when you introduce your partner to your family. Are you looking for parental approval? If you are close to your parents it is understandable that you would want their support, but be clear: you are an adult, and your life choices do not depend on Mom and Dad’s approval. In fact, implying that you want that approval puts your parents in an awkward position. Now instead of just meeting your beau, they have to give him their seal of approval. Wouldn’t it be enough if they were simply polite and friendly around him?
Make it easy for your parents to give you what you want. “Mom, I want you and Dad to come over for dinner next Saturday and meet my boyfriend Michael” is pretty clear. “Um, Mom, there’s something I’ve been wanting to tell you. I don’t know if this is a good time, but well, um, I’m seeing this guy Michael and I wanted to let you know” is not clear communication. Put yourself in your mother’s place. How is she supposed to react? You sound ambivalent and uncertain. Her reaction is likely to reflect that.
What to do when parents are unwelcoming to your partner, despite your best intentions? This can create a painful dilemma; it can feel as if you must choose between your family relationships and your relationship with your partner. While sometimes that is exactly the choice that must be made, more often the choice is really about how to respond to familial bullying.
For those of us who have been raised to be the proverbial “best little boy in the world,” it can be disorienting to realize that it’s time to stand up to family pressure.
Remember: you’re an adult now, and if you and your partner have made a commitment that reflects your love and devotion to one another, then he is your primary family now.
John R. Ballew, M.S. an author and contributor to GAYTWOGETHER, is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta. He specializes in issues related to coming out, sexuality, relationships and spirituality. If you have any questions or comments you can submit them directly to GAYTWOGETHER or John R. Ballew, M.S. - www.bodymindsoul.org.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
a new member plus message
- I think the blog is a great idea. I initially started my YouTube channel because of a lack of coming out advice on there, and it has been well received. I have had many, many messages from young people struggling to come to terms with their sexuality, and it has been gratifying for me that I've been able to help some of them. I hope your blog continues and grows. I will give you a mention on my next vid. Good luck, guys! :-) Rob http://www.youtube.com/robnorthampton
- April 12, 2010
Saturday, April 3, 2010
HAPPY HOLIDAYS
How are all of you doing? I hope you will feel inclined to post. I am waiting to use the magic words I have been given to approve any and all postings. I've moved from Janitor to Editor. . .LOL. . .as if there was much difference! Shannon is involved with some "chance in a lifetime" project. I wish him well. . . and wait to hear the news.
ciao, ciao
~~~ justin
Sunday, March 28, 2010
NEWS FROM THE JANITOR
I decided this morning to try something to try to revive this Blog. Shannon and I began this project last Fall, hoping telling our stories would be of help to other gay people, especially the newer or younger gays and lesbians. . . Several others contributed their stories too.
It is hard to gauge just how many readers this blog attracted since there have been very few comments made. Early on Shannon found he just didn't have the time to work on this blog and so, by default. . .whatever that word really means. . lol. . .I was left as 'the Blogger' here. Those who have followed the posts realized very soon that the content was mainly a "later after-noon edition" of what I was posting on my own blog JustinDunes. . . .repeats.
This morning I removed all the repeats I had posted, and left the personal contributions of others, plus my own and Shannon's. I took the time to re-read the Coming Out stories there. . .Stew, Jack, Len, my own. . hahahaaa. . . .good stuff.
T'would be a shame to delete these, plus the videos which Shannon posted.
I think what I have left there is good and worthwhile. The rest of the material I posted can be read at JustinDunes.
A REQUEST. If there are still readers and people interested in the survival of this blog, would you please write a comment, attached to this entry, indicating your interest in its survival or not, and ANYTHING else you might like to say. I am willing to continue as editor if this blog is of interest to any one.
You do not need to sign your name, if you feel better not, just as you feel comfortable.
THANK YOU right now to those of you who respond.
ciao ciao. . . .
JUSTIN O'SHEA
Monday, January 25, 2010
STEWART'S STORY
I found a friend at church. We hit it off right away and spent as much time together as we could. We were always the good kids. Always did what we were told. We even double-dated a few times. Although I think we were really dating each other. After high school, I went to college and he went into the army. I found that I missed him more than I could ever believe while he was at basic training. While he was away, his parents announced that they were divorcing ( A huge DON'T in the church). And next thing I knew, although he had not completed his training, he was home again. He never told me why he was kicked out. I know that 2 days later, he and his girlfriend were split up. I was working late that night at my part-time job. He called me at work and wanted to talk right then. I told him that I was not allowed to talk on the phone at work and I would come over when I got off at 11pm. I never talked to him again. He was found dead in his pick-up truck with his brains splattered on the back window.
I had suspected for years that he too was gay. The tragic way that his life ended, only made me believe even more that being gay was wrong. I once again found refuge in the church. I finished school and dove into my career. I figured that if I could not be with a man, I would give my life to helping others and my career. Eventually, I even started dating a girl. After asking her to marry me, I began to realise what I had done. I was able to break things off before it was too late.
A few years later, my high-tech career gave way to new technology and I found myself out of work and alone. This time when I turned to the church, I was called out. Basically told that it was my own doing that things were not working out for me. That my impure thoughts were what had made me loose everything. For the first time, I was turned away from the church.
I went to the park and was sitting on a grassy hill. Out of nowhere, this little kid shows up and asked me if I was OK. He told me that everything was going to get better and that he would prove it. He asked if I would like him to find me a four leaf clover. To humor the kid , I said yes. After about 10 minutes of searching, he looked at me and said " Here you go, now everything will change" I'll be damned if he didn't place a fresh picked four leaf clover in my hand. He then smiled and left. I have no idea where he went to or who he was with.
The Internet was new then and I, being from a high-tech background actually had access. I answered an ad from what sounded like a nice guy from a near-by town. We emailed each other for 2 months. I saved every email. I cross checked everything that he said to make sure he was being honest with me. Then one day in early February of 1999, I went to meet this Internet stranger. Strange he was. I was fascinated with him. We were about the same age and both had never dated guys before. We quickly became best of friends and started doing everything together. Then in June of 2005 we invited two of our best friends to accompany us to Toronto to witness our wedding. It was pride week, so we invited a million or so people to the reception. And everyone came. We had a parade and everything.
It was a very long road to get here. I had to come out to my parents and siblings. I lost a very good friend and learned a lot about the church and Christianity. And how the two don't always go hand in hand. In the end, all but one of my sisters accepts that I am gay. My parents love my husband as much as I do. I could not imagine my life without him or all of them. I wish that I had the courage to come out at a younger age. But, then I would not have experienced everything that I have. I hold no grudges. I only hope that young teens can find the courage to live their lives for themselves. You'll never be happy as long as you are denying yourself of who you are.
I hope that my story helps.
--
Stew
JACK'S STORY
It only takes one idea, one second in time, one friend, one dream, one leap of faith, to change everything, forever. Just one! Yet eternity lies in the palm of your hand.
Born a Baby Boomer/War Baby and raised in a VERY conservative neighborhood, I knew at an early age I liked boys. I also knew that to express that desire would earn me a beating from either my family, my friends, or schoolmates. Added to that would be years of humiliation, insults, and being ostracized..
I kept my orientation "on the down low" for many, many years. I played the straight role - joining the U.S. Navy and eventually the Army, getting married, having kids. My sexuality eventually destroyed my marriage (ironically, I got custody of the kids).
In the military I was able to do my job and do it very well for over 24 years as evidenced by many awards, decorations, and commendations. However, I could not share my "real" life with my fellow sailors and soldiers. More than once I was sure someone was about to blow my cover (no pun intended) and I would have lost everything: my job, insurance, pension, and whatever self-respect I had managed to hold on to. My family will tell you there was a huge weight lifted from my shoulders and spirit once I retired.
My two sons were aware their Dad was gay years ago, it simply, and amazingly, made no difference to them. Shortly after my retirement at age 53, I decided I had had enough masquerading. The first phone call was to my younger brother and his wife who live on the other side of the country. Knowing it would likely be the last time we ever talked, I was in tears as I made "the big announcement." My wonderful brother and his lovely, lovely wife just laughed and asked, "who finally told you?" They, like almost everyone else I came out to, had known for years and didn’t give a damn - I was still me, the screwy brother, dad, uncle, and friend that I was before the revelation. When I asked why no one said anything, the common answer: "It wasn’t our place to out you."
I know many people are scared to death to crawl out of that damned closet. I urge you to talk to someone you trust, contact a local gay support group (google, google, google), and at least consider freeing yourself from the confines placed on you by others. In the Detroit area, it is Affirmations (248 398 7105). They should be able to help you find a similar organization in your area.
I simply can not imagine my life without my GLBT family. There are those who came into my life when I was so sure I would never feel "normal" - one of them encouraged me to contribute this entry to Ugly Duckling and I will be forever grateful to him. There are those at Affirmations who continually reinforce my feelings of self worth - especially following the breakup of a seven year relationship last fall. Will I ever find a partner? Who knows, who cares - I am happy, I have a wonderful family, and I am - at long last - enjoying my life.